Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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