Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
