Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
