Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
