dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
