dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
