This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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