sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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