the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
