she woke up with a sticky ear
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
