I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
