Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
