I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
