my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
