I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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