Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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