her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
