I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
