dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
