dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
