I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
