i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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