just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
