Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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