Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
