My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
