Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
