Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
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I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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