Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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