im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
