I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
