Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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