my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
