Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
