She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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