4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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