I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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