i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
