just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
