When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
