The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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