The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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