How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just found a bag of teeth...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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