i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
foreskin is a definite game changer
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
