I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
