im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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