i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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