I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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