my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i came on her dog
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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