Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
