Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
