I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
