God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize