How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
