PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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