you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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