did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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