i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
