i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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