Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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