the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
